I have had some big stuff going on in my life and I have been trying to stay with the process of it, rather than jumping to the conclusion, which maybe has been my pattern in the past. Well, I’m pretty sure it has been because the pull that way is really strong. If I think I know how this is going to turn out in the end, then why don’t I just do that now so I can “get on” with things? If I follow this through, I can see that it could lead toward missing out on life by just trying to get on with it.
So I have actually been feeling proud of myself for being able to stay in the process, which means being in uncertainty and resisting the desire to know what’s going to happen. It’s been pretty amazing. Just this week, I realized that when I’m in process, everything is included vs. when I’m focused on the outcome, I view most of what is happening as off-topic, distracting, getting in my way, etc. That is kind of cool. When I’m in that process place, I feel like my consciousness is literally getting bigger, I am stepping back and taking more in, becoming more spacious. It feels like something good and important is happening. But it can be kind of uncomfortable to feel like you are being stretched like that. Sometimes I think I can’t handle it.
In fact, just a couple days ago I thought, “F**k process.” It never ends! I just feel like I’ll never know what to do or just never do anything if I stay in this process of awareness and acceptance and presence. I can feel it right now. It makes me want to yell.
It has taken a lot of tapa (effort, discipline) to do what I’ve been doing. In the Yoga Sutras, tapa is grouped with svadhyaya (self-study) and ishvara pranidhana (surrender or devotion to God). For sure, there has been a lot of self-study in going slow and paying attention rather than just forging ahead toward an end result. The surrender part seems like it has to do with accepting the fact that I am not in control. I could make a decision and do something, which would give the illusion of control, but he only real control comes from seeing what’s really happening. Also, I guess the fact that we can’t be in a place of effort all the time. It’s not sustainable. So sometimes I just have to let go and surrender to the doubts and confusion and frustration, to just allow all of my reactions and responses to be there. And that’s all part of the process. See how that works? Process swallows everything up. There is nothing outside of process, which is starting to sound like another word for life. So even though sometimes I find it infuriating, mostly I think it is great.
My experience with process lately has been thought-provoking, life affirming, and also frustrating at times. The realization that "process is everything" is at once liberating to me and ironically something I resist. Another chance to surrender, and an especially important time to have a sense of humor. Inhale, exhale, resume practice, surrender again.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I have appreciated as a centering exercise, given that everything is in flux, is the metaphor of dropping a pin on a map. Just for now, right here, where am I? Compared to last time I checked in with myself, what has changed about my landscape? To extend this metaphor a little, I am not in charge of the map. It's really big and belongs to nature. I am blessed to navigate a little section of the world, and it is so beautiful. The attitude of wonderment, and a self-affirming love of life, seems like just the thing.
Rather than saying more in my own words, I'd like to share a poem called "A walk" by Rainer Maria Rilke.
Ciao for now,
Ben
My eyes already touch the sunny hill,
going far ahead of the road I have begun.
So we are grasped by what we cannot grasp;
it has its inner light, even from a distance-
and it changes us, even if we do not reach it,
into something else, which, hardly sensing it, we already are; a gesture waves us on,
answering our own wave...
but what we feel is the wind in our faces.