More on Wanting

I just read this quote by Krishnamurti, “There is great happiness in not wanting, in not being something, in not going somewhere.”  I have been struggling all month with trying to articulate this very idea, which I think causes a lot of confusion amongst us aspiring yogis.  I spent a large part of my life not wanting and it definitely wasn’t an experience of happiness.  The not wanting came more from fear of disappointment, subconsciously thinking that I could avoid upset, sadness and the like by not having any desires or wants (or needs).  Clearly, that is not going to result in an experience of santosha (contentment).

It seems like yoga helps us to have the experience that we are not these human forms, that we are something beyond that, call it consciousness or whatever, AND that we are still human.  When I am completely identified with my experience as a limited human, then everything seems really important, I want things and think that if I don’t get them I will be miserable, etc.  When I only focus on the fact that this human form is NOT my true essence, I can get caught in this place of thinking that I shouldn’t have any wants or needs, that none of this everyday life stuff matters, which can make life quite difficult, because it doesn’t fit with actual real-life experience.

So I don’t think that the practice of santosha means we are trying not to want or that wanting is bad.  We can want all we want.  The practice of contentment is not caring whether I get it or not.  I can want something and enjoy wanting it while remembering that it doesn’t mean anything if I get it or don’t get it and that I can be happy either way.  So my happiness is not connected to my identity as a limited human with my wants and desires, but to my true essence as universal consciousness, which some would say is happiness itself.

That means I can be happy RIGHT NOW.  I am not waiting for something to happen that will make me happy.  I think that’s what Krishnamurti is getting at—there is happiness available to me in this very moment if I am not looking for it somewhere else.  Hard to believe since it's the opposite of everything we've been taught our whole lives.  But we don't have to believe it, we can test it out (that's what's great about yoga)—stop right now and be grateful for five things.  How do you feel?  Apollinaire summed it up nicely, “Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.”

Wanting What I Have

Sometimes I think I am crazy.  It just seems like there are certain things I learn over and over again, but they don’t stick somehow.  I just spent a couple hours this morning with the Bhagavad Gita and my Sanskrit dictionary, looking things up and translating in preparation for the upcoming teacher training.  Part of me was thinking yesterday about how terrible it was that I was going to have to spend part of my weekend doing this work.  Ridiculous!  I had so much fun and even started wishing I would do it more often.

Santosha is the practice of contentment.  Contentment is not a feeling that we are trying to achieve and keep, but a state of mind that we can cultivate through practice.  I see how much time I spend wanting things to be different.  Me, my life, my day, my work, my husband, my car—it should all be some other way.  I want that, but I have this.  There's a lot of trouble in dividing everything into what I want and what I don’t want.  Santosha is being at peace and enjoying life, regardless of what “I want.”

I’m thinking also of Patanjali saying, “When disturbed by disturbing thoughts, think the opposite” (Jivamukti translation).  This seems like a great way to practice santosha.  If I don’t like the way things look the way I am looking at them, then I can look at them in a different way.  It’s that whole thing about wanting what you have instead of having what you want.  When I constantly strive to have only experiences that I predict will be comfortable, pleasant, happy, easy, I can’t really be content.  What I have is the whole experience of being human, which is full of all kinds of things, and if I can want that, then I am up for anything and everything.