Wanting What I Have

Sometimes I think I am crazy.  It just seems like there are certain things I learn over and over again, but they don’t stick somehow.  I just spent a couple hours this morning with the Bhagavad Gita and my Sanskrit dictionary, looking things up and translating in preparation for the upcoming teacher training.  Part of me was thinking yesterday about how terrible it was that I was going to have to spend part of my weekend doing this work.  Ridiculous!  I had so much fun and even started wishing I would do it more often.

Santosha is the practice of contentment.  Contentment is not a feeling that we are trying to achieve and keep, but a state of mind that we can cultivate through practice.  I see how much time I spend wanting things to be different.  Me, my life, my day, my work, my husband, my car—it should all be some other way.  I want that, but I have this.  There's a lot of trouble in dividing everything into what I want and what I don’t want.  Santosha is being at peace and enjoying life, regardless of what “I want.”

I’m thinking also of Patanjali saying, “When disturbed by disturbing thoughts, think the opposite” (Jivamukti translation).  This seems like a great way to practice santosha.  If I don’t like the way things look the way I am looking at them, then I can look at them in a different way.  It’s that whole thing about wanting what you have instead of having what you want.  When I constantly strive to have only experiences that I predict will be comfortable, pleasant, happy, easy, I can’t really be content.  What I have is the whole experience of being human, which is full of all kinds of things, and if I can want that, then I am up for anything and everything.