Trying to Be "Right"

So I am still thinking about this idea of identifying with things outside of myself as a cause of suffering.  A yoga word related to this is avidya, which could translate as ignorance with a capital I—not knowing that I am consciousness itself, which Patanjali says is pretty much the cause of all the other problems I run into.  Ahankara is another good word, usually translated as ego, more literally the “I-maker” or “I-action.”  Identification is the job of the ego—I am this, I am that.

Last week, I got a big box of yarn in the mail.  I had ordered it about a week earlier and even before it arrived, I knew it was going to be mixed results (literally and figuratively).  There was a sale at an online yarn company and I was almost ready for a new project and I really love a deal.  After looking at all these different kinds of yarns and different colors, I decided to get not one but two grab bags.  Something appealing about the surprise of it, plus it’s an even better deal. 

But I realized between the time of placing and receiving the order that another big factor in choosing the grab bags was not being able to decide.  I look at lots of patterns and can’t decide what to make.  I look at lots of yarns and can’t decide what to buy.  I figured that I would get these yarns and that would help guide me in figuring out what to knit next.  Sort of the artistic idea that by creating limitations something might happen that wouldn’t otherwise happen.  Which may be true.  And it’s also true that I could get yarn I just didn’t like, which would be much less likely if I picked it out myself rather than letting someone else pick it out for me.

Ultimately, it seems to me, that difficulty making a decision always comes down to the belief that there is a “right” decision.  And this is what brings us back around to identifying with things outside of ourselves.  When I identify with the outcome of my choice, then I better make the “right” one.  Very stressful.  Fortunately, when you are talking about yarn, it’s easier to spot the faulty reasoning.  While some part of me does think this is a very important decision, another part of me can see we are talking about YARN and that whatever happens, I will have some fun knitting and probably end up with some things I like and some things I don’t like, and most importantly, my worth as a human being doesn’t depend on any of that.

I guess I’m just saying the same thing I did in the last post, but it sure takes a while for it to really sink in, doesn’t it?  The thing about being in that place where you are trying so hard to make the “right” decision is that it never ends.  So now I have all this yarn and I still spending hours looking through patterns trying to pick the “right” one—trying to use the “right” yarn to make the “right” item.  But I can see it happening and then just stop (at least for a moment).  THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY.  I guess ego, ahankara, is also the thing that thinks it can actually control life and make it so nothing unpleasant, sad, frustrating, etc. ever happens.  Which is the belief behind the belief that there is a “right” decision—if I make the “right” decision then nothing bad will ever happen, I’ll never have to experience anything I don’t want to experience.  That’s funny.  And terribly sad, because it really does cause us a lot of suffering.

I always feel like I need to say how things turned out.  Not a big surprise that I got some yarn that is great and I love, some that’s o.k. and a few things I don’t like much at all.  A lot of yarns that aren’t even quite enough to make anything, which means I get to work on overcoming the belief that because I bought all this yarn I can’t go buy more.  I’m sure there will be some future posts about the great yarn grab bag experiment.