The Set-Up

So sometimes when I ride my bike, I just want to go for a ride.  And sometimes I feel more like “training”—seeing if I can beat my average speed, that sort of thing.  Today, I decided I would go on a ride and just go whatever speed, enjoy being in my body and being outside, and take it easy on my knee that was hurting a couple times recently after I rode.  What was interesting was that part way around the lake, I started checking my speedometer and comparing my speed to my usual speed.  I could see I was being set up—if I ride “too slow” then I’m out-of-shape and should be riding more (etc.) and if I ride “too fast” and my knee hurts then I shouldn’t have fallen into the trap.  I was getting caught in a no-win situation.  So I reminded myself of my original intention and decided I was just going to stick with that.

Sometimes I notice a similar thing happening with writing this blog.  I originally set out not to set standards for myself regarding frequency or anything so that it wouldn’t turn into a chore.  I wanted it to help me pay more attention to my own self.  But still the thoughts arise that I should be posting more and I start to think, “I should just make a commitment to post at least once a week.”  Fortunately, I recognize this once again as a set-up.  There’s nothing wrong with making that commitment, but I already made a commitment that I wasn’t going to do that and when I start changing my plan in response to thoughts that I’m not doing good enough, I’m headed for trouble.  Standards that change all the time are hard to meet and ultimately just make a person feel bad for not meeting them.

I think this relates to the sutra where Patanjali says that suffering is caused by identifying with things outside of ourselves.  When I feel like my okayness is dependent on how I ride my bike or on my blog posts, my okayness is not very lasting and often altogether elusive.  But my actual inherent nature is okayness.

The other question that has recently crossed my mind regarding this blog is whether it is helping me pay more attention to my life or is separating me from my life?  Sometimes I feel like a person who spends all their time taking pictures of everything rather than experiencing it.  Ooh, another set-up.  It has to be this one way or it’s not right and I should just quit.  Not falling for it.  Really, it’s a little of both of these things (paying attention and looking through a camera) and that’s okay.  Sometimes I have something to say and sometimes I don’t, sometimes I am watching and thinking and sometimes I am experiencing and feeling, sometimes I am riding fast and sometimes I am riding slow.  And that’s okay.  I’m okay.  Regardless of how my conditioned mind tries to trick me into thinking that is not true.  And the great part is, as Carl Rogers said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”