Is It Real or Is It Memorex?

EEGADS!  It has been longer than a long time since I have posted. I recently moved and I had forgotten how much of an interruption it is to a person’s regular life. Between the packing and the moving and the unpacking and the building of IKEA furniture, it takes a while. We are still not even close to done, but I have now spent quite a while with sutra 1.11 and am ready to move on, so I am making time today.

Anubhuta vishaya asampramoshah smrtih translates roughly as “An experienced object not lost is memory.” So the fifth mental activity is memory, quite a thing to be contemplating during a move, I’ll tell you. As you know, moving is a good time for getting rid of stuff. For me, this time around, it’s books and clothes. Sometimes, I am able to take a top out of the closet and say to myself, “I am never going to wear this again.” That would be pramana, correct perception or right knowledge—that is the truth of my current experience looking at the object. That always feels good and makes action easy. Sometimes, I take a top out and visualize a situation in which I would wear it—that is imagination. I am looking at the object, then creating something in my mind and then I base my actions on something not really real. Sometimes, I take a top out and think about the period in my life or a certain event when I wore it—that is memory. I am looking at the object and then going in my mind to something in the past that is not actually present and, again, base my actions on something not "real."

When we get confused between the actual object in the present moment and our associations to the object, that is a form of viparyaya or misperception. This is one of the big things that makes it hard to let things go and in its extreme form can lead to hoarding. This week, I have been trying to set up our bookshelves. We got rid of some shelves, so as I unpacked more and more books, I started to see there might not be enough room for all the books (though I did get rid of a few bags of books as well) and I started looking around to see where we could put more shelves. Then my husband brought home a whole bunch of books that had been in our storage unit. When I saw those, I suddenly had a moment of pramana and said to myself, “Enough is enough, I just need to get rid of some of these books.”

When I look realistically at the books, many of them are there because of memory. I have a large number of poetry books from my poetry days. When I look at them, I think of my writing teacher and father figure, Jack Grapes, and that whole period of my life, the formative experiences in class, doing readings, my friends and fellow poets. That’s memory—I am recalling something that is not present right now. And I have a feeling that if I sell the books, I am letting go of all that also. That is misperception—I am mistaking the objects for the memories. The truth is that while there are some books on the shelf that I refer to over and over, like Raymond Carver or Robert Hass, there are others that I’m not sure I have ever read at all. I think separating memory from the books themselves is going to help me let go of a lot.  That part of my life will always be part of my life and part of who I am, but it is also in the past. It is okay for that to be in the past.

So, just like the other mental activities, memory is not good or bad in itself. It can be really helpful—how would we even live if we couldn’t recall things we learned or experienced before? Who would we be without memory? And when we aren’t aware of when the mind is participating in memory, then it causes difficulty. 

I have had a lot of other thoughts about memory in the last couple months, but the one other thing I'll say now is something I heard my SE teacher, Steve Hoskinson, say: memory is personal not historical. We don't remember things as they were, we just remember them how we remember them. Now that's a good thing to remember!

Unconscious

The other day, I left my office to go to somebody's house, taking a quick look at the directions before I left, which was later than I was planning because I lost track of time.  I got completely lost, driving way out of my way. As I was tracking my way back with GoogleMaps on my phone, it occurred to me that I really do better when I visually see my route on a map and that I know that, but just wasn’t really paying attention to what I was doing when I was getting ready to leave. Once I knew where I was and where I was going, I was trying to be careful about turning at the right places, only not really because I made at least one more wrong turn and almost missed a street when I had just finished telling myself to focus.  Finally, I arrived at my friend’s house about a half an hour late—much to her surprise because the gathering was happening the following week! These are the kind of days that make you feel a little crazy.

This is a great example of the fourth mental activity described by Patanjali. Clearly, it’s not right or valid knowledge. The events were not really a result of misperception and it wasn’t an issue of imagination. This is what Patanjali calls sleep. Abhavapratyayalambana tamovrttirnidra (sutra 1.10) means something like sleep is the mental activity that is the non-existence of cognition. The version I have here is from Desikachar who also has the word for heaviness that isn’t in any of the other versions of the sutras on my bookshelf—that seems useful in distinguishing this absence of thought or knowledge from the kind that happens when you are empty and peaceful (like can happen when you chant om for an hour). It’s not just about sleep like you’re going to sleep for the night, but about being kind of unconscious. We all have moments of unconsciousness—when we forget where we put the keys or are on auto-pilot doing something. I think this was the predominant mental activity for me on the day I got lost (and even before). I was unconscious when I put it on my calendar, when I was getting ready to leave and a few times while I was driving. Sometimes conditioned mind can tell us it’s a lot of work to pay attention all the time, but that day showed me that it is way more work to be unconscious.

Making It Up

I finished knitting a sweater this weekend and when I held it up one of the sleeves was longer than the other, even though I had carefully counted rows. I tried to stretch the shorter one and told myself it was just a few rows off. I put it on and just didn’t look at the sleeves and then got mad at my husband when he started to ask what was up with the sleeves. I stormed off and went to bed. When I was more clear-headed in the morning, I sat down to examine the situation and within a few minutes, saw what I had done and that the sleeve was actually sixteen rows shorter than the other, which was probably three inches.

At first I thought, “Oh, more misperception.” But then I realized that this was not misperception, it was imagination or delusion, the third mental activity described by Patanjali in Sutra 1.9. Shabdajnananupati vastushunyo vikalpah says that knowledge through words that doesn’t arise from reality is vikalpa (imagination, delusion, fancy, false notion). Like misperception or misunderstanding, imagination is also not true. But misperception happens when we see something but don’t see it correctly versus imagination, which is when we make something up not based on any actual experience. I decided that the sleeves on my sweater were almost the same without actually looking at them—I just made it up. Now hallucinations and delusions fall into this category too, but for most of us, I think it’s this sort of sleeve incident that is more representative. It’s when we decide something without actually collecting information.

With imagination, it is not so hard to see how it has an upside and a downside. My little knitting moment would be an example of the downside (in this case, not very down). Art, music, creativity and all that good stuff is the upside. As usual, making stuff up is not a problem in and of itself, but it sure can be if we don't know we are doing it.

Approximating Reality

 I took my first Sanskrit workshop in 1997. I’ve spent a lot of time looking things up in the dictionary, attempting translations, chanting and studying. Recently, I had a pretty huge epiphany. Sanskrit doesn’t have the same alphabet as English, so when we are reading regular books, all the Sanskrit words are transliterated into English letters. And every yoga book out there has a little chart that tells how these letters are pronounced. But they are all wrong! Because English doesn’t have the same sounds as Sanskrit. So for many of the same letters, there isn’t any English word that can be used to demonstrate that sound. While I knew this, I still clung to those charts and even made up my own to train yoga teachers, but recently it’s become clear to me just how many of the letters don’t have a good equivalent. If I pronounce everything perfectly according to the English letter pronunciation chart, I am mispronouncing my Sanskrit.

Sutra 1.8 is about misperception, misapprehension or misunderstanding, the second activity of the mind. Viparyayo mithyajnanam atadrupa pratishtham means “misapprehension is false knowledge that is not based on the true form.” Many people say this is the most common activity of the mind—I was talking about it in the last post as well for just that reason. Unless we can see an object (an object being a thing, person, situation, feeling, thought, whatever) perfectly and clearly, which we virtually never do, we are getting some approximation. There are so many layers that filter and alter what we see and experience that not only can we not be sure that when we stand together and look at the sky and call it blue we are seeing the same color, but we can’t be sure that any of us is seeing “the real thing.”

Whenever I attempt to fit reality into my existing experience and knowledge, I am not really getting Reality (with a capital “R”), but what else can we do? Humans see things the way we think they are—we don’t like cognitive dissonance (when we are having conflicting ideas or beliefs). As I am writing this, it occurs to me that practicing holding multiple ideas or feelings could be a practice for increasing our ability to see things clearly because we may be less likely to make things fit our existing framework (or our framework is more likely to be broad enough to hold things as they are). If I can see that my coworker has some annoying qualities and that there are things I like about her, maybe, just maybe, when she does something, it won’t get miscategorized as easily.

At any rate, I guess I end up in the same place as the last post, which is that it’s important to know that we are mostly misperceiving—until we’re enlightened, we are seeing approximations.

Find out more about therapy and yoga with me on my website: www.seattlesomatictherapy.com

Reliable Sources

In the last couple years, I have been studying Somatic Experiencing® and Vedic chanting and this has meant connecting with teachers. After a long time of finding myself usually in the role of teacher (which I do enjoy), it has been really nice to be in the role of student. I appreciate having someone I trust and who is clear, sharing information with me and helping me see things. And, at the same time, I am painfully aware of teaching all kinds of things over the years that I later came to think were untrue or unimportant or would have taught differently.

In sutra 1.6, Patanjali lists the five mind movements: pramana (valid knowledge), viparyaya (misperception), vikalpa (imagination), nidra (sleep) and smrti (memory). Then in sutra 1.7, he describes valid knowledge, pratyakshanumanagamah pramanani. It comes from direct perception, inference or a reliable source. As I’ve been sitting with this, I’ve gotten a little discouraged—valid knowledge seems hard to come by! I think our whole yoga practice is aimed at trying to help us see things more the way they are. In the mean time, reliable sources seem important. And I have to keep in mind that even if a teacher or text gives me really good information, I may misinterpret what I think I hear. That’s in addition to the fact that any human, even one who is evolved and wise, is still subject to their own misperceptions.

So I guess we just have to think of increasing our valid knowledge as a process of getting closer and closer to the truth or clarity. Maybe the one piece of valid knowledge we can have is the fact that mostly we don’t have it. And we should choose our sources carefully.

Let’s end with a little story.  For years, I mean YEARS, I have identified myself as kapha. If you are unfamiliar with Ayurveda, the ancient medical tradition from India, there are three constitutional types and one is kapha (it’s not even important at the moment what that means). And then in the last six months since I’ve changed my diet pretty significantly, I’ve been becoming more aware of my pitta-ness (pitta is another of the three constitutions). I was talking with Trish Foss (a great Ayurvedic practitioner) a few weeks ago and she commented on the fact that I seem very pitta, but she had heard me self-describe as kapha. I told her I’d been noticing that and she sort of non-chalantly said, “Maybe you’re pitta with a kapha imbalance.” And that seemed like a little light bulb. I was having some direct experience and then had information from a reliable source and I think I got closer to the truth. And now I’m going to hold it lightly—it seems righter than what I thought I knew before, but I can guess that my understanding will likely change again.

For more info about therapy and yoga with me: www.seattlesomatictherapy.com

Are You a Good Witch or a Bad Witch?

Sutra 1.5 says vrttayah pancatayah klishtaklishtah which mean something like, “There are five kinds of fluctuations of the mind, which can be either painful or not painful.” Klishta comes from the same root as klesha for you wordy geeks out there. Now, I find it pretty fascinating that Patanjali has narrowed down all of our mental activity into five types, but since all of the next sutras are about those and he hasn’t named them yet, there’s not much to say about that here besides “really?”

So what we’re left with is the klishtaklishtah part. Any of these movements of the mind can be problematic or not problematic. This seems important. All of our mental activities fit into five categories and none of these categories is inherently good or bad. I will only speak for myself when I say that the first thing my mind wants to do with a list of five categories is figure out which ones are good and which ones are bad. But once again, I am out of luck. Things are more complex than that. So, for instance, jumping ahead, the first type of vrtti is pramana, which can be thought of as valid or correct knowledge, We might think this is the “right” mind movement, but we also all know it can be painful (like seeing the truth about ourselves or other people). And the second type is misperception, which is often the best we can do and therefore isn’t exactly problematic in those situations. Each type of mind movement has a part to play at certain times.

So this sutra makes me think about how everything, everyone has the potential for both good and bad, to contribute and to detract, to connect and to disconnect, to inspire and to discourage, to grow and to stagnate. I know this isn’t exactly what Patanjali was talking about, but that is what is occurring to me today. What just popped into my head for the title of this post is the line from The Wizard of Oz—"Are you a good witch or a bad witch?" If you haven't seen or read Wicked, it has the best answer to that question, which is both (or neither). It's complicated.

For more info about therapy and yoga with me: www.seattlesomatictherapy.com

Elections and the Mindstuff

I have talked to a number of people who said they got kind of obsessed with the elections and watching the news and keeping track of what was going on.  They all seemed to be relieved the elections were over.  This is the sort of situation where our sense of who we are gets blurry. Of course, the elections are important and they impact our lives in a real way . . . sort of. I say sort of because it’s not like the day of the election or even the inauguration, anything in my actual life changes. My day will be very much like the day before—any changes are pretty small and it would be hard to pin them on the president, congress, governor or any of the other folks that I don’t even personally know. Now, I want to be clear that I am NOT saying that we should all be apathetic because none of it matters. What I am saying is that it is easy to lose perspective on who we are and what’s urgent and where to focus our energy (elections and election coverage are just one example of this).

When my attention keeps going to a certain person, topic, situation, when my mind fluctuations are all churned up, I get confused. The last sutra said that when the mind is calm, the seer resides in his/her own true nature. This next sutra (1.4 vrtti sarupyam itaratra) says, “Otherwise, s/he assumes the form of the mind fluctuations.” I think part of how this works is that if I am able to direct my mind where I want it to go (i.e., choose where to focus my attention), then I realize that I am not my mind or thoughts—I am operating them. If I don’t have any ability to control my thoughts or attention, then they are running the show and I don’t have any sense of separation from them. In fact, most of us don’t like the idea of not being the one in charge, so I probably want to believe I am my mind, so that I can think I am in charge instead of being pulled around like a dog on a leash. 

If I can choose to watch the election coverage or not watch the election coverage, then I have at least an inkling that I am separate from the election coverage. If I am sucked into it over and over and all of my thoughts are about the election, then it becomes a bigger and bigger part of my reality and I have a harder time experiencing my self as something beyond that. I feel like I can hear people bristling up on this saying something like, “But the elections are really important.” Yes, the elections are important. I usually like to choose more mundane examples, but this is what I’ve been thinking about. You can try it with something else, if that seems easier. See what is happening for you with your sense of who you are in relationship to your thoughts and how much you are able to direct them.  Let me know.